Fallout from WikiLeaks Mess
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – In the first major policy fallout
from the WikiLeaks disclosures, the State Department has ordered all
U.S. diplomats to “cease and desist telling the truth until further
notice.”
“We are working overtime to try to make sure that leaks like these
don’t happen again,” Secretary of State Hillary Clinton told
reporters. “But until we’ve got the leaks plugged, it’s incumbent on
all our diplomats to put on their lying caps.”
Secretary Clinton noted that since many US diplomats are major
political donors with long careers in the business world, “this
shouldn’t be a reach for them.”
But for those career diplomats who came up through the Foreign
Service, the State Department will be holding a series of “truth
avoidance seminars,” led by executives of Goldman Sachs.
Additionally, Secretary Clinton said, the State Department would
install on all diplomats’ computers new software called CandorShield™,
which automatically translates truthful language into a less
embarrassing truth-free version.
For example, she explained, the software would translate the phrase
“two-faced weasels” into “trusted Pakistani allies” and would delete
all references to French President Nicolas Sarkozy as “Monsieur Shorty
Pants.”
Elsewhere, Interpol issued this statement about its pursuit of
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange: “We will find Julian Assange, and
then we will hire him.”